heyy. i cant believe its been three months. i miss this thing... lol.

im in astronomy class, supposed to be working on water rockets... no chance in hell. i hate projects like these. yuck.

so im still with chris, even tho we had a bit of a rough patch. all i have to say is that i am so glad that i have him.

im so tired.  i slept in this morning, i woke up ten minutes before my bus came. and my mom was really nice about it. which surprised me. she threw a bunch of food in my bag for me... my hair is curly T_T (the result of not blow drying it or straightening my hair. oh wells. today is my one day off. i have worked so much in the past few weeks... i mean, last night was the first time i have been home since last tuesday. i miss my family. never thought i would say that. 

so live met a perfect stranger. and im really happy for her. but i also feel her pain now... i mean, she broke up with billy. and now he is trying to move on, and shes trying to move on, and you can imagine the complications that go along with that. im just sorry trevor is caught in the middle of it. but i really dont think he minds. hes just waiting there patiently because he loves her. and that is the most amazing thing in the world.

i didnt do my english homework... fuck. maybe i should do it now... 

you know you love me
xoxo

ah ma god. im so frustrated.
i should be mad.
or jealous.
and in truth, i am... very.
but i know i shouldnt be.
but i still am.
but its not fair.
because im over reacting
but i have a right!
gah and the source of all this crap just came online.
im going to act very ... un - attached.
serve that person right.

i want to cry.
he wont talk unless i talk first.
well he started the convo. and i AM being difficult.
ah.. here come the self confidence issues again.
god damn it.
and its not even like i can talk to him about it.
cuz then i would seem a tad stalkerish.
but he's my BOYFRIEND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
so it cant seem stalkerish right?
right?

well. i yelled at him. but not about that. about the
fact that he always leaves msn convos before i can
say "i love you too".
ah damn it. i cant stay mad! jealous? oh hell ya. but
not mad....


TATU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i love them.

My State Of Being

In	Out
Drew	Russ
Friends	People that pretend they are your friends
LOVE	HATE

Slowly but surely, im losing it.
Losing EVERYTHING.
its a lie when i say im okay cuz im not.
and i know your reading this.
i DONT CARE.

he wont take my crap much longer.
im scared of losing him and yes i know by
doing this im pushing him away, but you CANT TALK!
im so frustrated right now, all i need is a friend, thats why
i came back is because i needed a friend, and now your so 
absorbed in your "new" relationship and i know thats not fair, or right,
and i shouldnt expect ANYTHING from you, but i thought it would be different,
better. i thought i could be more me, thought you could lean on me, and i could lean
on you. i just wish things would work out that way but they never do. that movie today, it 
hit me, maybe im exactly like CeCe, people get worn out from paying attention to me, im just as 
bad as her, and maybe i dont deserve anything, and im a complete failure as a friend not
to mention a person. and girlfriend. i wish i could get it right, but everytime i try i
seem to screw up more. dont take this as me regretting coming back to
you, its not. this is just my breaking point. the stress, the work, the
drama, i want it to fucking end. i want my life back, i want to 
be normal. have my best friend. have my boyfriend.
and not be so scared all the time. i want arms
around me. your arms. cuz ever since
chris and i started dating and
we came back together,
they havent been.
i love you
with 
all
my 
Heart

hey.
im tired.
and burnt.
and very happy.
but soooooo tired.

i have ringtones!
yes im weird...
but hey.

it was mine and chris's one month yesterday.
and i talked to him on my phone/msn/online type thingy.
and i thought i wasnt going to get to talk to him at all.
but i did! and it made the whole rest of my nite great!

so im hanging with chris and livie at lunch. i dont know
what we are doing, but it should be fun. damn it... i have no money...


damn. anyways. im scared im gonna lose livie in the summer.
i want to hang out with her at the waterfront, but she'll prolly be to
busy hanging with her cousins and billy. and they are prolly gonna spend
the summer with him all the time cuz he goes off to college in september.
but thats not fair.
but lifes not fair.
so its all good.
or bad....
im confusing myself.


okay, well anyways.
laters!

last nite was pretty good.
'cept things happened that i wish hadnt.
we preformed, and did pretty well.
chris went, and my mom, and grams.
amazing. chocolate covered strawberries...
aivie knows what im talking about!!

anyways, it was after i got home when i snapped.
at first, i snapped on vince. i just broke.
i cant take everyone bugging me anymore
im sick of it. my life is MY life and they better 
get freakin' used to it. 
i am just so mad. im trying not to show it. but its hard.
im sick of listening to everyone else's critizism.

GAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
kill me now. please. autocad hates me
and i am losing patience with everything!
i hate being so angry!

And the guilt in me is the hurt in you
And the hurt in you is the lost in me
And the lost in me is the need in you
And the need in you is the guilt in me

 

AWESOME SONG!!!! LOVE THAT LYRIC~~~~~~~!~!!~~~~~~!!!

seriously hating today. with a passion.
inspired by aivie... my state of being!

In	Out
Vocal Recitals	Vocal Rehearsal
White Flowers	Decorations and Cleaning
Helping Someone Out	Holding Out For Them

Im just a jumble of grumpy emotions that can only be soothed by something im not gonna get. but i feel bad because im taking it out on people *like aivie* and im sorry. but its just the way i feel right now and i cant help it. im tired, grumpy, stressed, and worried. and you can say they all mean the same thing, but each of those things represent a different scenario in my life right now. and i just am gonna explode. i hope its not on anyone i care about. 

so im supposed to be hanging out with chris today after school and then im getting my outfit for the performance, then im going to my grams. and other stuff. im so tired tho. better go, only ten minutes left

ttyl!

heya.
how is life, everyone? mine is getting better, and getting worse all at the same time. im confusing myself.
okay, so the whole livie situation is getting better. but not the me situation. i cant seem to slow down.
i take shifts at work constantly, rarely ever have time to eat, stay up late studying or working, or talking to my
bf and bff. im always running around, stressing out, all over other peoples problems. well,  i dont know what
my problems are exactly. so wats the use in focusing on them? its so ironic that its easier to fix other peoples
lives than it is to fix my own.

i feel bad cuz im always tired, or frustrated, or sore. or all of the above. im surprised chris isnt sick of my constant tired-ness. not to mention my total and complete inability to tell him that i love him/ be a good girlfriend/ kiss him. And
i WANT to do all those things. i just have no time to focus on it. and even if i did, it still would be to help someone else, not me. and that sounds so selfish.

i hate myself more than ever right now, but i think thats what started this whole mess...

No offense. But this whole world is messed up, and everyone
in it too. im just so confused. hopefully me and 
my soothing words will end it all..
*Flash to the future, you see me screaming my head off,
ruining any chances of peace and comprehension*
well then. im screwed.

im going to talk to livie's boyfriend. because she doesnt really want to
date him anymore. and she likes another guy, and he likes her
back and im pretty sure she wants to give him a chance.
i think that would be a wonderful idea because her current
boyfriend is going away to college next year, and will leave her here,
to wollow in her worries. which isnt healthy. and soooo
debilatating. (did i spell that right?) she just wants a normal
teenage girl life, and all i want is for her to be happy. so basically, 
goodbye boyfriend. but i understand that its not easy.
but hes not making it very easy. he doesnt respect her decisions,
or what she wants. which isnt right.

anywhosen. i worked a total of 13 1/2 hours on saturday, and six
and a half yesterday. i am tired, and so not ready for being in guru 
position. but what can ya do? nothing. actually i can get it over with , cuz i got
to study for history and rehearse for vocals, and do my english
assignment, and oh yeah, theres my own relationship i should prolly
pay attention to. 

bear with me while i freak out kay??

laters
if i survive. 
which i wont.
cuz im cool like that.
love.
god.
kenzie.

Ultimatums suck. Severely.
I thought I had everything sorted out. thought everything was gonna be fine.
but now its not. i thought i had chose the right people. but if those people cant give you 
the time of day, is it even worth it???
no. i didnt think so.

so maybe i will go back to livie. she's willing and i want to.
i miss her. badly.
but how will megan and them react?
how will chris, my bf, react?
im soooooooooo lost.

heya everyone! so i have had a lot of drama happen on this livejournal thing, so i created a new account. and a lot of stuff is going on that i cant really talk to anyone about.

basically, my friend gave me an ultimatum. and i chose her. im supposed to hate the girl i didnt choose. who i thought hated me anyways. but apparently she doesnt. and now im just more confused than ever.

my name to you, anyways, is Danity. i am 15 turning 16 in august. im in grade ten in small town, and i live in the country with my mom, step dad, brother, and dog. my friends are megan, carri and that group. and the one i left, the one that has been my best friend for over a year, the person i was closer to than anyone else, the person that has meant the most to me... is Livie.

And basically, im an idiot. if livie was here she would hit me. im not sure exactly what we have. but its somewhere between a friendship and an affair. no one can know we are friends, that we dont hate each other. we have to fake it, make it look like we still hate each other. in a way thats fun, but in a way its a pain in the butt. and im still confused as to whether or not livie actually wants me back as a friend. or if she is just playing with my mind. i dont know what to think anymore.

anywhosen, so off point. i also have a boyfriend, who is away at an ultimate frisbee tournament. i havent gotten the chance to tell him about this yet. i think he's confused. but he'll understand, and he'll keep my secret about livie. im going to the beach party his ultimate team is having tomorrow after school. and i'll prolly end up hanging out with him at lunch. its so much easier to just focus on things with him, because he doesnt expect anything from me. and if he does, im totally missing the signs and am a horrible girlfriend, punishable by death. oh wells, g2g work on tech stuff.